Express a Request or Need
For situations in which a wish, need or goal must be clearly represented.
- 14
- entries
- 4
- roles
What this is about
Making requests is one of the most fundamental yet frequently avoided interpersonal behaviors for people with emotion dysregulation, often because requests feel equivalent to demands and trigger shame or anticipatory rejection. DBT frames making a request as a skill separable from outcome — the goal of DEAR MAN is to ask skillfully, not to guarantee a yes.
Relevant skill categories are interpersonal effectiveness (DEAR MAN), emotion regulation for shame and anticipatory anxiety, and mindfulness for staying present during the conversation. The most common mistake is conflating the effectiveness of the skill with the outcome, which leads to abandoning requests entirely after a rejection. A second frequent error is undermining the request so heavily that it becomes unclear.
How this situation shows up
Body signals, typical communication impulses, and course patterns in relationship dynamics.
- BodyNervousness or tension before speaking, stomach tightens, voice becomes smaller, desire to withdraw
- Typical impulseDownplaying or apologizing for the request, not even asking, sending indirect signals instead of clear statements, ignoring your own needs
- Course and dynamicsMaking requests is particularly difficult if you have little self-respect or fear of rejection. DEARMAN skills help to provide structure. Effectiveness increases with practice.
First entry (1)
The most direct first step for this situation.
Orient (3)
Helps frame the situation and gain an overview.
How Intensely Should I Ask or Say No?
If before DEAR MAN or FAST it has to be clarified how strongly a concern should be represented.
Also in: Interpersonal Effectiveness
Is This Assertiveness Scripts or DEAR MAN?
If DEAR MAN seems too abstract, but Assertiveness Scripts is perhaps just a derived application and not a replacement for the bundle.
Also in: Interpersonal Effectiveness
Interpersonal Values and Ratios
Before choosing an interpersonal skill, it must first be clarified whether goals, relationships or self-respect are the guiding criteria.
Also in: Mindfulness · Emotion Regulation
Apply (9)
Concrete exercises and skills for the situation.
DEAR MAN: Assert
If a conversation otherwise remains non-binding and the core message must be clearly stated.
Also in: Mindfulness
DEAR MAN: Describe
When at the beginning of a difficult conversation, facts and observations need to be clarified before requests or feelings follow.
Also in: Mindfulness
DEAR MAN: Express
If after the description it should also be clear how the situation feels or affects you.
Also in: Mindfulness · Emotion Regulation
DEAR MAN: Reinforce
When clarity of purpose alone is not enough and the conversation needs additional motivation for approval or cooperation.
Also in: Mindfulness
Communication Effectiveness Checklist
If communication is to be improved by making it clear which elements were effective and where the conversation lost its effectiveness.
Also in: Emotion Regulation · Mindfulness
DEAR MAN: Appear Confident
If there is content, but attitude, demeanor or inner security must support the issue even better.
Also in: Mindfulness · Emotion Regulation
DEAR MAN: Mindful
When you already know what you want to say, but easily lose focus under pressure or resistance.
Also in: Mindfulness
DEAR MAN: Negotiate
When clarity should be maintained, but a rigid course would block the solution rather than promote it.
Also in: Mindfulness
RAVEN Negotiation
When several interests have to be brought together in a negotiation or difficult vote without losing sight of the actual goal.
Also in: Mindfulness
Prepare (1)
Prepares for future similar situations.