{ "kind": "node-detail-initial-slice", "version": "0.2.78", "generatedAt": "2026-10-02T19:25:44.323Z", "locale": "en", "route": "/en/practice/components/dear-man-negotiate/", "nodeId": "dear-man-negotiate", "nodeType": "component", "node": { "id": "dear-man-negotiate", "type": "component", "title": "DEAR MAN: Negotiate", "searchAliases": [ "DEAR MAN: Negotiate", "DEAR MAN: Verhandeln" ], "description": "Objectives effectiveness · DEAR MAN components · Objective assertion step", "priorityRank": 16, "priorityLabel": "Situationally important", "priorityDescription": "This node becomes especially important when conflict with others describes the actual situation.", "cardPreview": "When clarity of purpose is to be maintained, but movement and compromise are necessary.", "purpose": "Bring flexibility and the ability to compromise without completely giving up the core concern or your own position.", "applicationContext": "When the goal cannot be achieved in exactly one form and the conversation requires real negotiation instead of pure demands.", "longDescription": { "text": "Negotiate is the final step of DEAR MAN: being willing to give something to get something, and offering solutions when the original request is not granted in the way asked. 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"situationId": "grenzen-setzen", "label": "Set boundaries", "entryType": "interpersonal", "pathSegment": "situations", "relationRole": "apply", "fit": "secondary", "strength": 0, "isPreferred": true } ] } ], "bundleComponentNodes": [], "contextNodes": [ { "id": "dear-man", "type": "bundle", "title": "DEAR MAN", "searchAliases": [ "DEAR MAN", "DEAR MAN" ], "description": "Objectives effectiveness · Goal effectiveness · Goal assertion", "priorityRank": 16, "priorityLabel": "Situationally important", "priorityDescription": "This node becomes especially important when conflict with others describes the actual situation.", "cardPreview": "When you need to clearly address, request, refuse, or negotiate something.", "purpose": "Structuring interactions so that a specific goal can be effectively pursued, a request can be made, a boundary can be set, or a position can be clearly represented.", "applicationContext": "When something needs to be achieved, negotiated, rejected or directly advocated for in an interaction and goal effectiveness is easily lost under social pressure.", "longDescription": { "text": "DEAR MAN is the DBT mnemonic for the set of skills used when the goal is to achieve an objective in an interpersonal situation — asking for something, saying no, or asserting a point of view. Each letter stands for a step: Describe the situation using observable facts only; Express feelings or beliefs clearly without expecting mind-reading; Assert wishes directly, neither beating around the bush nor demanding; Reinforce by explaining what the other person gains from giving you what you want; stay Mindful of the objective, not getting pulled off track by attacks or distractions; Appear confident in manner even when feeling uncertain; and Negotiate by being willing to give something to get something. DEAR MAN is objectives effectiveness — it serves the goal of getting what you actually want. It works best when combined with GIVE skills for maintaining the relationship, and FAST skills for maintaining self-respect.", "furtherReading": [ { "sourceId": "linehan-manual-529p", "chapter": 8, "section": "V", "page": 249 } ] }, "sourceId": "linehan-manual-529p", "sourceLabel": "Linehan Manual", "sourceLocator": "Chapter 8, Section 5", "sourceCategory": "Foundation-oriented", "sourceType": "Manual", "sourceTrustSignal": "Primary source-close", "sourceAuthorityWeight": "high", "sourcePracticeWeight": "medium", "sourceAudienceFit": "Professional", "sourceNote": "Linehan Manual · Chapter 8, Section 5", "whenToUse": "When primary reassurance, relationship protection or self-respect are not the priority, but rather the specific goal of the interaction must be pursued clearly and effectively.", "whenToUseSource": "editorial", "situationsSource": "explicit", "skillComplexity": "core", "interventionMode": "relational", "evidenceLevel": "clinical_consensus", "module": "interpersonal", "secondaryModules": [ "mindfulness", "emotion-regulation" ], "moduleBridgeContexts": [ { "moduleId": "mindfulness", "contextText": "Under social pressure, staying focused on the core of your own request requires mindfulness-based concentration skills." }, { "moduleId": "emotion-regulation", "contextText": "Emotional charge in conversations sabotages DEAR MAN - people who are emotionally regulated before the conversation can use the strategy effectively at all." } ], "relatedIds": [ "dear-man-describe", "dear-man-express", "dear-man-assert", "dear-man-reinforce", "dear-man-mindful", "dear-man-appear-confident", "dear-man-negotiate", "assertiveness-scripts", "raven-negotiation", "chain-analysis", "mutual-validation", "ending-relationships", "contingency-management", "assertive-listening" ], "components": [ "dear-man-describe", "dear-man-express", "dear-man-assert", "dear-man-reinforce", "dear-man-mindful", "dear-man-appear-confident", "dear-man-negotiate" ], "situations": [ "konflikt", "bitte-aeussern", "grenzen-setzen", "beziehung-beenden" ], "practiceNodeIds": [ "communication-effectiveness-checklist" ], "comparisonTitle": "DEAR MAN vs. GIVE vs. FAST", "comparisonBullets": [ "prioritizes goal clarity and effectiveness in the conversation", "fits requests, demands, boundaries, and negotiations", "asks first: How do I get my request clearly onto the table?" ], "comparisonAxes": [ { "label": "Primary question", "current": "How do I put my request on the table effectively?", "candidates": { "fast": "How do I stay intact and self-respecting?", "give": "How do I keep contact warm and relationship-supportive?" } }, { "label": "Direction", "current": "Represent a goal, request, negotiation, or boundary effectively.", "candidates": { "fast": "Do not give up self-respect, values, and fairness.", "give": "Protect the relationship and keep validation and warmth high." } }, { "label": "Typical context", "current": "Requests, demands, conflict conversations, negotiations.", "candidates": { "fast": "Guilt, withdrawal, pressure toward self-betrayal.", "give": "Sensitive conversations, repair, relationship care." } } ], "comparisonNodeIds": [ "fast", "give" ], "comparisonDescription": "Helps distinguish whether goal effectiveness, relationship effectiveness, or self-respect currently has priority.", "comparisonFocus": "Start here when you want to achieve, request, or clearly represent something.", "learningPathType": "bundle-to-steps", "learningPathTitle": "From skill bundle to steps", "learningPathDescription": "Start with the central building blocks of this skill bundle before jumping to broader connection nodes.", "learningPathNodeIds": [ "dear-man-describe", "dear-man-express", "dear-man-assert", "dear-man-reinforce", "dear-man-mindful", "dear-man-appear-confident", "dear-man-negotiate" ], "learningPathSteps": [ { "nodeId": "dear-man-describe", "label": "Open as the first step", "description": "This element is the most direct entry point into the internal structure of the skill bundle.", "pathType": "bundle-to-steps" }, { "nodeId": "dear-man-express", "label": "Continue within the skill bundle", "description": "This turns the acronym or container into a concrete sequence of action steps.", "pathType": "bundle-to-steps" }, { "nodeId": "dear-man-assert", "label": "Continue within the skill bundle", "description": "This turns the acronym or container into a concrete sequence of action steps.", "pathType": "bundle-to-steps" }, { "nodeId": "dear-man-reinforce", "label": "Continue within the skill bundle", "description": "This turns the acronym or container into a concrete sequence of action steps.", "pathType": "bundle-to-steps" }, { "nodeId": "dear-man-mindful", "label": "Continue within the skill bundle", "description": "This turns the acronym or container into a concrete sequence of action steps.", "pathType": "bundle-to-steps" }, { "nodeId": "dear-man-appear-confident", "label": "Continue within the skill bundle", "description": "This turns the acronym or container into a concrete sequence of action steps.", "pathType": "bundle-to-steps" }, { "nodeId": "dear-man-negotiate", "label": "Continue within the skill bundle", "description": "This turns the acronym or container into a concrete sequence of action steps.", "pathType": "bundle-to-steps" } ], "situationLinks": [ { "situationId": "bitte-aeussern", "label": "Express a Request or Need", "entryType": "interpersonal", "pathSegment": "situations", "relationRole": "entry", "fit": "primary", "strength": 0.95, "isPreferred": true }, { "situationId": "konflikt", "label": "Conflict with Others", "entryType": "interpersonal", "pathSegment": "situations", "relationRole": "entry", "fit": "primary", "strength": 0.9, "isPreferred": true }, { "situationId": "beziehung-beenden", "label": "End a relationship or decide to leave", "entryType": "interpersonal", "pathSegment": "situations", "relationRole": "apply", "fit": "primary", "strength": 0.86, "isPreferred": true }, { "situationId": "grenzen-setzen", "label": "Set boundaries", "entryType": "interpersonal", "pathSegment": "situations", "relationRole": "apply", "fit": "secondary", "strength": 0, "isPreferred": true } ] } ], "situations": [ { "id": "konflikt", "label": "Conflict with Others", "shortLabel": "Conflict", "entryType": "interpersonal", "isDraft": false, "description": "For arguments, tension, escalation or communicative friction in relationships.", "bodySensation": "Tension in chest and shoulders, increased heart rate, tense jaw, cramped stomach, warmth in face, urge to move", "impulse": "Attacking and wanting to be right, remaining silent and withdrawing, saving the relationship by giving in, wanting to convince the other person", "intensityNotes": "Escalation in conflicts often follows escalation levels. Early exit from loops is more effective than de-escalation at the top. Skills work better in medium arousal than in full arousal.", "longDescription": { "text": "Interpersonal conflicts are characterized by competing goals or needs where at least one party perceives their interests as being disregarded. DBT treats conflicts not as problems to be avoided but as situations requiring navigation with both goal clarity and relationship care. The relevant skill categories are interpersonal effectiveness (DEAR MAN for goal pursuit, GIVE for relationship preservation, FAST for self-respect), emotion regulation to reduce activation before engaging, and mindfulness. The key clinical distinction is whether the primary goal is the outcome (what I want), the relationship (how I want to feel about this person afterward), or self-respect (how I want to feel about myself). Premature problem-solving without first managing emotional arousal is the most common failure mode." }, "preferredNodeIds": [], "conceptLinks": [ { "conceptId": "dear-man", "relationRole": "entry" }, { "conceptId": "give", "relationRole": "apply" }, { "conceptId": "assertive-listening", "relationRole": "apply" }, { "conceptId": "raven-negotiation", "relationRole": "apply" }, { "conceptId": "dear-man-mindful", "relationRole": "apply" }, { "conceptId": "dear-man-negotiate", "relationRole": "apply" }, { "conceptId": "give-gentle", "relationRole": "apply" }, { "conceptId": "interpersonal-values-and-ratios", "relationRole": "orient" }, { "conceptId": "communication-effectiveness-checklist", "relationRole": "orient" }, { "conceptId": "question-what-belongs-to-this-bundle", "relationRole": "orient" }, { "conceptId": "question-is-this-validation-or-mutual-validation", "relationRole": "orient" }, { "conceptId": "question-is-this-assertiveness-scripts-or-dear-man", "relationRole": "orient" }, { "conceptId": "exercise-middle-path-calendar", "relationRole": "apply" }, { "conceptId": "dear-man-appear-confident", "relationRole": "apply" }, { "conceptId": "dear-man-assert", "relationRole": "apply" }, { "conceptId": "dear-man-describe", "relationRole": "apply" }, { "conceptId": "dear-man-express", "relationRole": "apply" }, { "conceptId": "dear-man-reinforce", "relationRole": "apply" }, { "conceptId": "give-easy-manner", "relationRole": "apply" }, { "conceptId": "give-interested", "relationRole": "apply" }, { "conceptId": "give-validate", "relationRole": "apply" }, { "conceptId": "mindfulness-of-others", "relationRole": "apply" }, { "conceptId": "mutual-validation", "relationRole": "apply" }, { "conceptId": "validation", "relationRole": "apply" } ], "bundleLinks": [ { "bundleId": "dear-man", "role": "entry" }, { "bundleId": "give", "role": "apply" } ], "pathSegment": "situations" }, { "id": "bitte-aeussern", "label": "Express a Request or Need", "shortLabel": "Request", "entryType": "interpersonal", "isDraft": false, "description": "For situations in which a wish, need or goal must be clearly represented.", "bodySensation": "Nervousness or tension before speaking, stomach tightens, voice becomes smaller, desire to withdraw", "impulse": "Downplaying or apologizing for the request, not even asking, sending indirect signals instead of clear statements, ignoring your own needs", "intensityNotes": "Making requests is particularly difficult if you have little self-respect or fear of rejection. DEARMAN skills help to provide structure. Effectiveness increases with practice.", "longDescription": { "text": "Making requests is one of the most fundamental yet frequently avoided interpersonal behaviors for people with emotion dysregulation, often because requests feel equivalent to demands and trigger shame or anticipatory rejection. DBT frames making a request as a skill separable from outcome — the goal of DEAR MAN is to ask skillfully, not to guarantee a yes. Relevant skill categories are interpersonal effectiveness (DEAR MAN), emotion regulation for shame and anticipatory anxiety, and mindfulness for staying present during the conversation. The most common mistake is conflating the effectiveness of the skill with the outcome, which leads to abandoning requests entirely after a rejection. A second frequent error is undermining the request so heavily that it becomes unclear." }, "preferredNodeIds": [], "conceptLinks": [ { "conceptId": "dear-man", "relationRole": "entry" }, { "conceptId": "assertiveness-scripts", "relationRole": "prepare" }, { "conceptId": "dear-man-describe", "relationRole": "apply" }, { "conceptId": "dear-man-express", "relationRole": "apply" }, { "conceptId": "dear-man-assert", "relationRole": "apply" }, { "conceptId": "dear-man-reinforce", "relationRole": "apply" }, { "conceptId": "question-is-this-assertiveness-scripts-or-dear-man", "relationRole": "orient" }, { "conceptId": "question-how-intensely-should-i-ask-or-say-no", "relationRole": "orient" }, { "conceptId": "communication-effectiveness-checklist", "relationRole": "apply" }, { "conceptId": "dear-man-appear-confident", "relationRole": "apply" }, { "conceptId": "dear-man-mindful", "relationRole": "apply" }, { "conceptId": "dear-man-negotiate", "relationRole": "apply" }, { "conceptId": "interpersonal-values-and-ratios", "relationRole": "orient" }, { "conceptId": "raven-negotiation", "relationRole": "apply" } ], "bundleLinks": [ { "bundleId": "dear-man", "role": "entry" } ], "pathSegment": "situations" } ] }